I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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