i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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