Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
