Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
