your parents love me but you hate me
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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