if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
