Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
