oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
