your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
