You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
