On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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