i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
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He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
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Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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