she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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