Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
