What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
