My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
