Yo dont text me then not text me
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
