Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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