Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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