i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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