a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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