I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
