i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
