you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
