I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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