My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
