My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
