the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
