in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
