White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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