Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
