is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You took a bar mat shot.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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