I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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