you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
