so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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