no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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