I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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