did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
