I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
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My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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