whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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