Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
