biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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