Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
