She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
