Don't make out with my wife yet
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
