i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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