I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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