do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think my moral compass just broke
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
