I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
