There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
