There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
