I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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