That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
