i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
