I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
