i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I want a musical about memes.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
